吃荤的鹿鹿

After experiencing one low after another one since the end of last year, I kept thinking I touched the bottom and now it is supposed to be the time to recover. However, it is like the stock market in the downturn, there's no bottom, there's only another new low!

I guess it is better just to embrace...

好迷茫啊。。。

The only good thing I have ever done since I came back is that I started to go to gym frequently. Ok... I admit, one of the reason of me going to gym often is that my person trainer is really good-looking. But anyways, the result is good. I am actually going back to the sporty days. :)

This gym in Tanggu cannot be compared with those big ones in Beijing. Most of the dance classes are horrible to be honest. So what i am trying to focus on recently is to burn the fat and get my shape tight. With the help of the trainer, it actually seems like working on muscles is not a bad thing for a girl. I got my arms tight easily. Now it is the tough one for my love handles... I am going there like crazy... Whenever I am in town, whenever I can manage, I go... Another thing to encourage me going is the upcoming vacation to Madagascar.

Spinning + Strength practice + 100 Situps, hopefully it will help. I can see that it starts working, but definitely it needs persistence.

Good to be Gym-aholic. :D

See, it is a right in the middle situation. After working abroad for four years and then came back to China, I figured myself difficult to fit in. It seems like me stuck in the middle, being a chinese, but don't know how to deal with chinese. Being straight forward definitely doesn't work with the situation right now. I gotta choose what to do next... Most probably adapt myself?

Also, there're so many things need to be solved after me coming back home, with the limited amount of money I accumulated throughout 4 years time. It becomes another right in the middle situation. I need to comfort my parents, also I want to make my life easier. I want to enjoy the moment, but at the same time I am trying to look forward to the future opportunity.

What's more, he told me, "I hope you understand by now that you will not live a luxury life..." So realistic... I don't dream about that, but still, do we really need to speak it out???

What am I gonna do???

Will go back to China very soon. Don't know whether it is good or bad. I have been working on this day for almost three years, now the reason of going back is gone, what is the reason for me to go back home? Don't know... The most pathetic part is... I don't even know where I wanna go... Probably it is time to think seriously about the next several years...

I never thought I could have hated somebody that much, especially after spending a good number of time together. All these years, I was fighting for nothing... I was just a kid's wish... And I was generous and stupid enough to be that wish...

Started feeling loathy about all of these... Still, couldn't believe in anything to feel secure... I am so confused...

I have to stop the trend of going down to the path of getting stressed, putting on weight, more stressed and putting on more weight...

Although I am stressed, I have to deal with it in a relaxed way... Now, I will go to sleep!

One more week in fahud... Gotta need to utilize the time more efficiently...

And start planning for daysoff! It is always good to have sth to look forward to!

I realized the fact that people tend to remember others' bad. When I think back, it happened all the time. They even tend to twist the fact to make them feel everything happened because of other people's bad.

I myself tend to forget the bad I did and only remember the good moments. By doing that, life seems more cheerful... Whether or not it is really cheerful is another question mark... I always tell myself, at least do everything in a way that I feel comfort and I try my best not to regret. We all know there's one day we will be judged, by whoever we choose to believe in. When that judgemental day comes, who can say that everything he/she has done was just perfect...

How much burden it is when the person you spent several years of life with thinks bad about you. Even it is not your fault, or to be more accurate, even you believe nothing is your fault, still, it is not only you who judge. I normally don't care whoever judges me, they don't know better than me. Why should I care about someone who doesn't even know what is really going on... Or why should I care about someone who doesn't accept the truth and tends to twist the fact...

So ugly... We say in chinese saying... you gotta spend 10 years with each other in your previous life so that you can meet each other again in the current life; you gotta spend 100 years with each other in your previous lives so that you can be with each other in the current life. Whatever happened, whatever happens, whatever will happen, are not easy. So sad...

It rains once or twice per year here. However, this year got more. It has been raining here and there, from time to time for more than one week already. Apparently this country is not prepared for the rain, maybe there's no need?! My container room is so flooded, the room I am using in the base is so flooded as well. I am right now sitting on top the water to study...

But...

There is always a but...

Life is full of but... Most often they are bad, but sometimes it can be good...

Another party in fahud... I could not believe he is like a big brother to me, that is really warm and sweet. Whatever he shows to ppl, maybe cold and bossy, but I know he is a very sensitive man, with caring. Wish you all the best, especially enjoy the big time fun! I admire ppl who knows what they want and dare to take the step to pursue them...

Despite the fact that I am at work in the desert... Something is different and good... Surrounded with love... I appreciate what he gives me and I would do whatever to love...

I really should have decided long time back. I still feel whatever I did, I tried to be good for him... Nothing has been appreciated, and nothing is appreciated now as well. I am just super stupid to care!!! He always does the opposite to what I said...

There's a most soft part in everyone's heart... He just uses mine, to do whatever he wants. He exactly knows what makes me not able to say no, and uses to make me feel horrible and hurts me more...

Making drama everyday... And it is very difficult for me not to be affected... Although everything seems ok, actually nothing is ok, and nothing is under control. My feelings are so frustrated and confused.

Gotta put myself together... Help myself...

All three of us are thousands of kilometers away from each other...

I thought we tend to stay together to take care of each other, instead of being separated and live on our own.

I need to do it!!! For the sake of the daysoff afterwards... Planning to negotiate for at least one and a half months' off!!!

Give me strength, let me finish it...

听Guns'n Roses “Don't cry”，想起高三毕业去山东泰山，跟LP还有YL同学，我爸妈，还有司机。现在看那时，10年前，才深深体会什么叫做青春。。。以及唱在青春的歌。。。那最后一个跟父母在一起的夏天，躁动不安，哭哭笑笑，觉得前方的未知让人激动以及蠢蠢。。。

北京7年，我觉得像是过了一个生命，大喜大悲，我真的把年轻当作借口。当离开北京，还有什么能让我喜极泣极呢？我对他说：没有什么失去让我恐惧。。。真的是这样吗？年华逝去，不恐惧吗？踽踽独行，不恐惧吗？

三年又三年，没有了青春混沌，我真的能不害怕吗？

This life goes on starting to learn more and more about responsibility and I realize that everything that I do is affecting people around me. So I wanted to take this time out to apologize for things that I've done and for things that haven't occurred yet and things that they don't want to take responsibility for.

I'm sorry for the times that I left you home while I was on the road and you were alone. I'm sorry for the times that I had to go. I'm sorry for the fact that I did not know that you were sitting home just wishing we could go back to when it was just you and me. I'm sorry for the times I would neglect. I'm sorry for the times I disrespect. I'm sorry for the wrong things that I've done. I'm sorry I'm not always there for my sons. I'm sorry for the fact that I'm not away that you can't sleep at night when I am not there. Because I'm in the streets like everyday I'm sorry for the things that I did not say. Like how you are the best thing in my world and how I'm so proud to call you my girl. And I understand that there's some problems. And I'm not too blind to know. All the pain you kept inside you, even though you might not show. If I can't apologize for being wrong, then it's just a shame on me. I'd be the reason for your pain, and you could put the blame on me.

You could put the blame on me.

I'm sorry for the things that he put you through, and all the times you didn't know what to do. I'm sorry that you had to go and sell those bags. Just trying to stay busy 'til you heard from dad. When you would rather be home with all your kids, as one big family with love and bliss. And even though pops treated us like kings, he got a second wife and you didn't agree. He got up and left you there all alone. I'm sorry that you had to do it on your own. I'm sorry that I went and added to your grief. I'm sorry that your son was once a thief. I'm sorry that I grew up way too fast. I wish I would've listened and not be so bad. I'm sorry that your life turned out this way. I'm sorry that the feds came and took me away. And I understand that there's some problems. and I'm not too blind to know. All the pain you kept inside you, even though you might not show. If I can't apologize for being wrong, then it's just a shame on me. I'd be the reason for your pain and you could put the blame on me.

I'm sorry that it took so long to see, that they were dead wrong. Trying to put it on me.

不知道为什么，虽然经常不住在这里，可还是有冲动把什么都置办了。在接通了网络之后，我到底还是买了一部电话，一部可以存储40分钟留言的电话。有事没事儿请致电。。。。